We close out our brief (right?) look at Notre Dame football’s all-time roster with a trifle, an exercise in pure entertainment, a lighter course to finish off our rich history meal. It’s time to have some fun sorting through the names on the Irish roster; with nearly 3,000 players to choose from, you just know there are some doozies in there. Without further ado, then…

The Blessed Ones

These guys just plain belonged at Our Lady’s University. Sure, some guys you’ve never heard of and some guys had, shall we say, uneven careers (looking at you, Dayne and Freddie), but these names wouldn’t fit on anyone’s roster as well as they did at Notre Dame.

Greg Bell (TB, 1980-1983)
Steve  Belles (QB, 1986-1989)
Angelo Bertelli* (QB, 1941-1943)
Garron Bible (CB, 2001-2003)
Seraphine Bouwens (HB, 1897)
Durant Church (HB, 1904)
Sonny Church (G, 1934-1935)
Dayne Crist (QB, 2009-2011)
Jarrett Grace (LB, 2012-2015)
Jerome Heavens (FB, 1975-1978)
Andy Heck (OT, 1985-1988)
Freddie Parish IV (FS, 2003-2004)
Al Pope (E, 1969)
Stephen Pope (FS, 1992)
Anthony Salvador (LB, 2002-2005)
Elijah Shumate (S, 2012-2015)
Elijah Taylor (DT, 2015-)

*There were a bunch of Angelos, actually, but how could you not go with our first Heisman winner?

The Finer Things Club

These cultured gentlemen retire to the yacht club after practice, don their smoking jackets, and enjoy a nice glass of sherry and a pipe while they discuss what Buffy and Hunter are up to these days. Or at least that’s how I imagine it.

Ennio Arboit (HB, 1936-1937)
Virgil Bardash (T, 1950-1952)
Dezera Cartier (FB, 1889)
Thaddeus Cassidy (HB, 1938-1940)
Keenan Centlivre (WR, 2015-)
Ivory Covington (CB, 1994-1997)
Micah Dew-Treadway (DT, 2015-)
Cedric Figaro (LB, 1984-1987)
Alton Maiden (DT, 1993-1996)
Carlos Pierre-Antoine (LB, 1999-2002)
Avery Sebastian (SS, 2015-)
Durham Smythe (TE, 2013-)
Equanimeous St. Brown (WR, 2015-)
Charles Stafford (WR, 1992-1995)
Basil Stanley (RG, 1917)
Golden Tate (WR, 2007-2009)
Sweeney Tuck (RT, 1938)
Montgomery VanGorder (QB, 2015-)
Rufus Waldorf (HB, 1904-1906)
William David Williams (DB, 2007)

Perfect Football Names

I tried to stay away from the low-hanging fruit, like offensive linemen with Polish names. I picked this group because they each sound like they couldn’t have been anything but a football player.

Steve Armbruster (C, 1994)
Hercules Bereolos (G, 1939-1941)
Eddie Hornback (QB, 1979)
Grant Irons (DE, 1997-2001)
Mirko Jurkovic (OT, 1988-1991)
Bronko Nagurski Jr. (T, 1956-1958)
Torgus “Turk” Oaas (LG, 1910-1911)
Jerry Ransavage (LT, 1926-1928)
Knute Rockne (LE, 1910-1913)
Ulric Ruell (HB, 1908)
Allen Sack (E, 1964-1966)
Mike Shiner (OT, 1980-1983)
Jamoris Slaughter (S, 2009-2012)
Michael Stonebreaker (LB, 1986-1990)
Dutch Yeager (LE, 1915-1916)
Tom Zbikowski (SS, 2004-2007)
Ziggy Czarobski (C, 1942-1947)

Sophomoric Humor

OK, so… Well, I don’t have any legitimate defense for this one. I snickered like a fourth-grader at everyone of them, and that’s all the justification I needed. My apologies to the members of this list.

Leon Blunt (QB, 1994)
Bud Bonar (QB, 1933-1934)
Rod Bone (CB, 1979-1982)
Dick Boushka (CB, 1977-1980)
Frank Doody (QB, 1938-1940)
John Putzstuck* (OT, 1980-1981)

* Ouch.

The All-Nickname Team

As you might expect, this list skews a bit older. But man, are there some quality ones in there. Peaches Nadolney and Hoot King sound made-up.

Judge Carberry (E, 1920-1922)
Fod Cotton (T, 1920-1922)
Dippy Evans (HB, 1940-1942)
Smoush (RG, 1903-1905) and Smousherette (LG, 1906) Donovan
Thunder Flanigan (RT, 1917)
Cupid Glynn (TB, 1909)
Flash Gordon (DE, 1985-1988)
Hoot King (LT, 1913-1915)
Curly Lambeau (FB, 1918)
Bunny Larkin (QB, 1912-1914)
Minnie Mavraides (E, 1951-1953)
Bunny McCormick (HB, 1936-1937)
Rangy Miles (LE, 1918)
Moon Mullins (FB, 1927-1930)
Peaches Nadolney (LT, 1918)
Red Salmon (FB, 1900-1903)
Dinny Shay (FB, 1927-1929)
Corny Southall (FS, 1985-1988)
Rollo Stine (LT, 1917-1918)
Chile Walsh (RE, 1925-1927)

Names That Are Just Plain Fun

Carlo Calabrese (LB, 2010-2013) [I should keep an eye out for his people.]
Thomas Bemenderfer (C, 2007-2008) [Remember the Chuck Norris-style Bemenderfer meme?]
Gerry Cowhig (HB, 1942-1946)
Frank Epstein (G, 1950) [I can see Leahy telling him he wants those toilets to SPARKLE.]
Vagas Ferguson (HB, 1976-1979)
Art Funk (T, 1902-1905)
Hiawatha Francisco (TB, 1983-1986) [Possibly my favorite name on the entire historical roster.]
Joey Goodspeed (FB, 1996-1999)
Frank Hollendoner (T, 1937-1938)
Herman Hooten (DT, 1970-1971)
Bernie Livergood (FB, 1922-1924)
Karmeeleyah McGill (DE, 1989-1992)
Chinedum Ndukwe (WR/S, 2003-2006)
Emeka Nwankwo (DE, 2008-2010)
Bill Shakespeare (HB, 1933-1935)
Gasper Urban (LT, 1943-1947)
George Vlk (E, 1928-1930) [Bonus points for a last name with no vowels.]
Jim Winegardner (TE, 1966-1968) [Livergood and Winegardner belong together.]