The year is 2026 and you’ve just been hired as the director of athletics at the University of Notre Dame after the 18-year reign of Jack Swarbrick came to an end. You’re nervous. The athletics scene on campus is setting a high bar with a National Championship under head coach Tommy Rees and the No. 1 recruiting class coming in to keep the train rolling. Intense pressure out of the gate.

Then, your athletic department staff come to you with a decision they’d like you to make, one that’s been waiting to be made for the new AD: Either drop the annual series with Navy or do the same with Stanford. You have to make a choice.

Trees or Anchors. Silicon Valley bros versus soldiers. The Farm versus NFL Stadiums.

Tough decision.

For sure, this is a tough call. Navy has long been a source of irritation and their place on the Irish schedule every year since 1927 (except last year’s Covid altered schedule) has been a source of contention for decades. Meanwhile, we have Johnny-come-lately Stanford who started a steady rotation against the Irish in the late 1980’s, inflicted some soul-crushing losses on Lou Holtz teams, then the university went all “I like you have a cupcake” and decided to play the Cardinal every year.

Say No to Stanford

Stanford had zero business grabbing an annual game on the Notre Dame schedule. Zero. It was a decision made in the darkest of mid-1990’s times when pleated khaki-laden leaders believed Notre Dame made the coach and non-football considerations would never upset the golden goose.

The familiar term “aspirational peer” is bothersome at minimum and patronizing at worst. We are not and have never been peers on the football field.

Despite the best efforts of David Shaw and his enormous egg head and swarmy half-smile, Stanford has largely sucked over their program’s history. After the 2005 season, they demolished their stadium and rebuilt a new one just so opponent fans can come watch their team play because Lord knows Stanford fans don’t exist for football.

Dumb tree. 

Their mascot is an abomination, their band even worse. Something people like Mark Zuckerberg think is really super cool and fun. Where is Zuckerberg’s main residence? That’s right, Palo Alto you giant freaking weirdo. Guilty by association.

The stadium turf in Palo Alto is a glorified cow pasture sprayed with WD-40 and your football players are second-class citizens on campus behind many other sports. Embarrassing.

I enjoy watching Stanford lose. This is important.

Say No to Navy

Bloody hell, where do we start?

Notre Dame owes a debt of gratitude (you’re obligated to say this exact phrase when discussing the relationship between the schools) for Navy saving the the school from going under during World War II. Except, Navy did this exact thing with dozens and dozens of other schools too and those football teams didn’t decide to schedule Navy in perpetuity.

Notre Dame, like so many other schools, would’ve been fine after the war anyway. Don’t be so dramatic about things. We don’t like to talk about the schmoozing off field with government contacts and the hundred year wining and dining relationships that has always driven this “rivalry.” Remember, the schools had already played 14 straight times prior to WWII anyway and we might be still in an annual game even without V-7 or V-12 training programs being held on Notre Dame’s campus.

So, take those cut blocks for 3.5 hours every single year aspiring NFL athlete just so Father Jenkins and Admiral Gilday can go out to $14,000 dinners in Dublin while the plebians suffer bloated pricing from Anthony Travel for a game in Ireland. There’s your mutual respect.

On the field, it’s chippy and grudge-filled in a much too weird way. Navy are untalented try-hards playing with a chip on their shoulder because they’re thrown into a rivalry against superior athletes every year.

Their students wake up early with really regimented schedules. No kidding, wow! Why don’t you try using some of that time practicing receiver routes and teaching your quarterback how to throw the ball?

Sad Tonight Show GIF by The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Another story about an academy player’s daily schedule. 

Coach Ken Niumatalolo is the highest paid person by the Pentagon. Talk about misuse of government funds and taxpayer waste.

What a fun annual game to watch a skinny 162-pound safety taunt Kyren Williams after giving up a 17-yard run. Go back to tucking in your bed sheets in Annapolis, little boy.

The Decision

There are no wrong answers here, only right answers.

The genesis of this article was putting up this poll on Twitter last week and wondering what fans would decide if given the choice. For a really long time it was close to a 50/50 decision.

This is Notre Dame so I don’t want to be dismissive of tradition. That’s why I’ve always thought it absurd that a long-time Pac-12 bottom-dweller was given an annual spot on the Notre Dame schedule after 100 years of playing football. In a vacuum it makes no sense.

Navy, though. Not a single Notre Dame fan anywhere has ever been excited to play Navy. This should matter. No young kid asked his dad who was up as the next opponent, was told Navy, and got pumped up. A win against Navy has never felt good and to rob fans of that feeling is wrong.

At least Stanford is a Power 5 team and beating them–and watching them lose–feels good. I feel nothing about Navy when they’re playing Tulsa or Memphis.

The Cardinal stay on the schedule.

But Wait!

If I can be serious for a minute, this is what should really be done:

We largely play Navy to give them money as gratitude. Therefore, Navy doesn’t need to come play at Notre Dame Stadium. We play the home game for Navy at neutral stadiums with large capacity so they can rake in more cash while giving the Irish a small cut. Let’s just agree Navy can keep all the money for that neutral site game and in return never play them in South Bend.

Navy every other year, please give us that breather from the insanity.

Also, if Notre Dame is so interested in ending the year in California can we not just rotate Stanford and Cal in with the every other year trip to the L.A. Coliseum? Like this:

2022: USC
2023: UCLA
2024: USC
2025: Stanford
2026: USC
2027: California

Pulling this off and being able to influence and get the Pac-12 to agree with this set up would be so, so much more preferable. Who says no?